Several weeks ago, I texted Amrah akki and asked if I could write an article for the blog. She replied, “Sure, would you mind sending it this week?” I refused. I said that I was too busy that week.
She texted me the week after. I said I couldn’t and that I have too much work that week as well. She texted me several weeks after that. Then I agreed. It was actually the week that I had the most work.
She reached out to me on Sunday that week. I thought that I’ll start writing it on Monday so that it is out of the way. And today’s Thursday, past 9 p.m. The deadline is Saturday morning.
Wondering why I didn’t start it on Friday? Well, I’m not free this Friday. So, if it was a typical week, I would’ve started writing this on Friday.
It took me several days or actually weeks to feel okay with putting my thoughts into words and into something like this. The reason I had refused and pushed it back? Not because I was actually way too busy to the point that I couldn’t write it, but because I was too scared.
I was too scared to start. Too scared that I won’t be able to write something “mind-blowing”. Too scared that my words aren’t “big enough”. Too scared of what people would think. Too scared to get compared.
Ever since I was little, I have been the “perfect daughter”. I have had high marks for exams when it mattered. I have been way too forward. I have been appointed to several leadership positions. To everyone who looks at me from afar, I am that “perfect girl”.
But for me, I’m the most introverted, socially awkward person who can’t even stand awkward silences. More than actually doing something and failing, I’m scared to even start. I’m more scared of what is yet to come than what is actually happening right now. I am someone who keeps things till the very last moment, not because I can’t do it, but because I’m scared of what others will think.
When I have been the “perfect, high-achieving” daughter to my parents, how can I disappoint them? How can I disappoint others? How can I not meet the “standard”? Sometimes, more than disappointing others, I’m worried that I would disappoint myself.
I have always loved acting. I loved the amount of passion and hard work that was put into to create something so magical. To me, the stage felt like home. That was where I felt like I could break free from who I actually was. But most of the time, I did not give it my best. I held back. Something was holding me back from letting myself go.
After A/Ls, I wanted to join a theatre group. But one whole year later, I never took up the chance to go to an audition. I was scared that I won’t be good enough. I was scared that I’d get laughed at.
These are the voices that run in my head every single day.
Even while I’m writing this, I’m struggling. Still thinking about what others would think after this is posted. If they will relate or if they will find this boring or if this wouldn’t meet the “standard”.
But the thing is, maybe I just have to take a deep breath, let it all go and start that dreadful thing I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared to start.
Why am I always so scared like a prisoner trapped in my thoughts? I feel like a puppet that’s controlled by others, by their “standards”. Maybe I should be a little softer for myself. Maybe I should give myself a break. Maybe I should relax. And maybe, at one point, I will be a little more comfortable with pushing myself beyond the boundary that I’ve set for myself. Because to know whether I actually feel comfortable doing something, I guess it has to be uncomfortable at one point.
Well, if you actually think about it, everyone’s too busy thinking about themselves to even think about others, just like what I am doing right now. We too are so hung up on ourselves and about what others think about us to realize that everyone else is you. Everyone has these voices in their head. And even now, rather than thinking if I’ve done a good job writing this or not, maybe you’re thinking about something that you have let gone cause you at some point too was scared. Scared, of the voices in your head.
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