Picture this. Ever sat through a funeral? A funeral of someone you barely know? Some people grieve in silence while others ominously scream in helplessness. Amidst this you keep sitting down drenched in silence and clouded thoughts until someone taps you and offers you a Nescafé that you are about to reject anyways. In that mere silence you soak yourself in, what really goes through your mind? It is the abundant feeling of nihilism that creeps through the thought of how one that exists today can simply cease to exist the next day. The feeling of futility of all the things you have done and all the things you wish to do cause none of that matters. It all ends at the same stop. It’s that feeling that flashes every
time you take a look at the dead body. I bet we’ve all been there.
Picture this. Ever cried your eyes out of something silly or heart wrenching? You cry, cry and cry. Finally you stop when there are no tears left. You feel numb. You don’t necessarily feel happy, yet you feel nothing. That nothingness gives you a feeling of ease. Ease of not knowing or worrying about what is next. A break between what you felt and what you are about to feel. I bet we’ve all been there.
Well one last scene to picture except I cannot bet that everyone would have been there. Ever been to a library or even a book shop and stumbled upon a random book? A book you know nothing about; a book you cannot get anything out of. No context, no lessons to be learnt yet you get this sudden urge to read it then and there. You keep on reading. You don’t really know why you are reading or the ridiculous amount of time that you have spent in that library reading that book. You are well aware that you are getting nothing out of that book or you don’t even like it, but for some reason you don’t wanna stop. You just wanna be immersed in that moment and never think about what’s next in your life.
For some reason I have always found these three experiences entangled with one another. The feeling that’s produced through these three scenarios have always felt the same for me. Let me explain. If we think about life in the most binary way possible, life is just majorly made out of two: joyful moments and sorrowful moments. If you were to ask whether either of these gives someone peace, I would say no. I would say we are constantly working. We are constantly working to make the joyful moments last and sorrowful moments end. It’s the instances like the three I asked you to picture, that actually gives you a “break”. A break from life where you are ever running.
The realization of mortality, growing numb and getting lost in something nonsensical are some of many instances that are gifted to us. Gifted as a break. Gifted as a bridge that bridges the gap between “happiness” and “melancholy”. You don’t necessarily have to get anything out of such instances or earn something productive out of them. These moments do not demand meaning. In fact they are life’s small yet rare permissions to slip away and lose yourself in a stalemate between joy and grief. Cause remember? They are breaks, not lessons to be learnt. They are to be indulged in and cherished. They are the pauses in between that allow you to feel nothing yet everything… before continuing again.
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